To hell with you. To hell with love...

Dressed Up Like Dreams

I took all of my memories, and threw them in the ocean.
Just like that, they drowned on impact.
In a flurry of nightmares, dressed up like dreams,
I managed to find some clarity.

LUUUCIANO!

Lou! He's a cool one. And he scares me sometimes when he says rawr.
And I owe him an awful lot of hugs. Sooo many my arms might actually fall off.
BUT! I miss him so I don't mind. BUT! Im so mad at him because he left to go to another school.
BUT! It's okay, cause it's Lou.
Miss You BUDDY! :)

A Smile Of Happiness Appeared On Her Bloodless Lips.

You take comfort in knowing you are not alone, but at this moment you do not even know you are any longer. Your foolish lies and your blood-shot eyes are all your aspire to be.

Forget The Name Of The Man's Voice.

Behind the cutrtain of his hands, which veiled his boyish tears.

With a lack-lustre eye, he stared down that cold, desolate road and into the pale, dead night. Nothing was colder than his heart, nothing half so dead.

In Accents Of Childhood Hatred.

It was the prettiest game in the world and they enjoyed it like the children that they were. Oh, the wonderful speeches they made to eachother and the eternal vows they exchanged! They played ath hearts as other children play at ball; only as it were really their two hearts they had flung to and fro they had to be very, very handy to catch them each time without hurting them.

Here Goes...Nothing.

This hand can write the words as fast as I can think them up. In a state of half awake, I fill the page with all my frantic thoughts. I hope one day you'll get to read what I don't have the guts to say.

Oh, That Smile.

Wordless, and content.
Shy, and yet you make your way into my heart.
In a moment, I am captivated by your eyes, trying to figure out what your thinking.
I'm sure you know what's going on in my mind though.
Uncertainty gives me chills however. Can this be for real? Can this work?
I become uneasy, then surley, begin to feel sick.
And then you smile your smile.

Thanks, Really.

You make me feel like I mean nothing to you.
You can so carelessly rip my heart out, leaving me no hope to carry on.
You make me feel guilty, like I'm being selfish....When really, you know it's you.
You can try to console me, try to act like you care, but what you dont know is that I can see right through your vapid lies. Do you really beleive I am that naive? Well, I am, and unfortunatly, that is what you feed off of.
Your promises are empty and it took me far too long to realize how rediculous it was to have faith in you. You say you love me, you care, you want whats best for me. What have you done to show me that what you say is true? This is the moment I realize that there's nothing good about you.

About Waiting...

Let's start on the Home front.
I'm waiting to be told the truth. The truth about everything. I've been lied to my whole life, just it's all bullshit. I'm waiting to be told that I'm a good kid, and that no, I'm not the reason why everyone is on edge when I'm around.

With guys, that's another issue. I will meet these incredible, amazing guys. Sweet as anything. Then, I wait too long and they move on. They'd ask me out and I'd wait to long to answer. I had to think about the decision I'd be making. When I'm ready to say yes, they've moved on. Its not like I take days or anything. Just too long. I feel so guilty. And then they date these girls, the luckiest girls. They don't even know how lucky.

BTW- Done summer school. :)

Over the past few weeks I've surprised myself. I realized many things that most certainly scare the shit out of me, and that there's absolutly nothing I can do about it. I've been questioning things latley, pretty much everything you can think of... Also, I've broken down and decided to start blogging... Forgive me if it takes a while for me to get better at this. "Is it worth it to be sad If it's harder to be glad To be alive?" An unsupportive, dishonest family. A lack of good friends, people who I can honestly say care, and having nobody to let me know that I'll get through these hellish months send me into depressions that I truly hate. Nobody seems to understand that I don't want to be this way. Theres certain measures I take. Honestly, some good, some very wrong, and I feel terribly about them both. Why does trying to get better make me feel so uneasy? I try to break out of the sadness myself, but truly, I'm not stong enough. I wait to long, and things get worse: pretty much the story of my life.